Case studies on Social Manhood Pressures on men

When I am naked he doesn't get an erection...is this normal?

2011-03-08T13:26:00.000+05:30

Tagged as: Dating, Sex << Previous question Next question >>

Question - (30 November 2007) 7 Answers - (Newest, 26 May 2008)
A female age 36-40, anonymous writes:

What does it mean when you can be entirely naked in the shower, with your boyfriend talking to you (sat on the toilet) and he doesn't get an erection...

Any ideas? Does it mean he doesn't find you arousing? Does it mean he could be gay? Does it perhaps mean he is having an off day? Aren't men supposed to be governed by what is in their trousers? Aren't they meant to be visually stimulated?

Any advice much appreciated.

Q: New boyfriend unable to achieve erection

2011-03-08T13:13:00.003+05:30

Asked by Isabella00 On Mar 07, 2011

I've been friends with this very nice guy for two years now, but recently I started to develop deeper feelings for him. A couple of weeks ago we kissed for the first time and some days ago we tried to have sex. And I say tried, because he couldn't get an erection. Well, it was sort of erect, but not very hard. And when he put the condom on he got limp. I'm just wondering what the reason might be. Does anyone have experience with this? And could give me some tips?It's just that I'm starting to feel insecure, because maybe it's because I'm not attractive enough to his high standards. He has never told me that he thinks I'm pretty or hot, but I think that's just the kind of guy he is (my previous bfs told me this all the time). Although, I do get a lot of attention from men and I don't consider myself to be unattractive. Might it be because he knows that I'm way more experienced than him? Some kind of insecurity on his part? I tried to talk to him about it, but he didn't really want to give me a reason (or perhaps he really hasn't got a clue himself).

Pressures to desire women and not men in medieval India

2011-02-19T13:09:00.002+05:30

The following is a quote from an article in 'The Economist' on Babur the Islamic conqueror of India.

"At one party Babur saw a very suprising sight: a woman drinking. She made a pass at him. 'I got rid of her by pretending to be drunk.' Babur was not much interestedd in women. He explains that he had married early and neglected the girl. He uses that to introduce the subject of his passion for a boy called Baburi whom he sees in the bazaar. Until then he says he had 'no inclination for anybody and no knowlege of love or desire.' His passion for Baburi drives him to distraction. Shyness prevents him from approaching the boy. He quotes a persian couplet: I am ashamed when I see my friend. My companions look at me. I look the other way.'

Whether he got anywhere with Baburi is not clear."

Such cases of extreme mutilation of a man's humanity through heterosexualization pressures are not rare at all

2009-06-22T18:40:00.002+05:30

Aaron sets a much brisker pace down the boardwalk than you would expect of a doughy 51-year-old, and once convinced I'll respect his anonymity, he turns out to be voluble. Over the crash of the waves, he spares no details as he describes how much he hated the fact that he was gay, how the last thing in the world he wanted to do was act on his desire to have sex with another man. "I'm going to be perfectly blatant about it," he says. "I'm not going to have anal intercourse or give or receive any BJs either, okay?" He managed to maintain his celibacy through college and into adulthood. But when, in the late 1980s, he found himself so "insanely jealous" of his roommate's girlfriend that he had to move out, he knew the time had come to do something. One of the few people who knew that Aaron was gay showed him an article in Newsweek about a group offering "reparative therapy"--psychological treatment for people who want to become "ex-gay."

"It turns out that I didn't have the faintest idea what love was," he says. That's not all he didn't know. He also didn't know that his same-sex attraction, far from being inborn and inescapable, was a thirst for the love that he had not received from his father, a cold and distant man prone to angry outbursts, coupled with a fear of women kindled by his intrusive and overbearing mother, all of which added up to a man who wanted to have sex with other men just so he could get some male attention. He didn't understand any of this, he tells me, until he found a reparative therapist whom he consulted by phone for nearly 10 years, attended weekend workshops, and learned how to "be a man."

Aaron interrupts himself to eye a woman in shorts jogging by. "Sometimes there are very good-looking women at this boardwalk," he says. "Especially when they're not bundled up." He remembers when he started noticing women's bodies, a few years into his therapy. "The first thing I noticed was their legs. The curve of their legs." He's dated women, had sex with them even, although "I was pretty awkward," he says. "It just didn't work." Aaron has a theory about this: "I never used my body in a sexual way. I think the men who actually act it out have a greater success in terms of being sexual with women than the men who didn't act it out." Not surprisingly, he's never had a long-term relationship, and he's pessimistic about his prospects. "I can't make that jump from having this attraction to doing something about it." But, he adds, it's wrong to think "if you don't make it with women, then you haven't changed." The important thing is that "now I like myself. I'm not emotionally shut down. I'm comfortable in my own body. I don't have to be drawn to men anymore. I'm content at this point to lead an asexual life, which is what I've done for most of my life anyway." He adds, "I'm a very detached person."

It's raining a little now. We stop walking so I can tuck the microphone under the flap of Aaron's shirt pocket, and I feel him recoil as I fiddle with his button. I'm remembering his little cubicle of an apartment, its unlived-in feel, and thinking that he may be the sort of guy who just doesn't like anyone getting too close, but it's also possible that therapy has taught him to submerge his desire so deep that he's lost his motive for intimacy.

Where straight men come from

2009-03-03T15:18:00.001+05:30

This essay germinated when I caught a few minutes of a sitcom on television a few weeks ago. I don't even know the title of it; I didn't sit till the end. Anyway, the scene was one in which an advertising man, what is called a 'creative director', hired a photo-shoot crew, to take some sexy pictures (for a brochure, I think). The cameraman and his assistant simply assumed "sexy" meant they'd have a female model. They got all excited about doing the shoot. When the model arrived at the location, and he was clearly a he, the camera crew freaked out, and refused to carry out the assignment. No way, man, we're not doing it. Money's not the issue. This is too far out.

Canned laughter in the soundtrack. It was all supposed to be very funny.

To keep the story going, the creative director persuaded the crew to stay and be professional about it. OK, they agreed, turned around and set up their lights and equipment. Then the model stripped, completely, and the crew freaked out and packed up again. More laughter.

Once again, the director of the shoot had to appeal to their professional integrity to carry on.

A few shots into the sequence, they felt the pictures weren't coming out right. The model was not posing seductively enough. So they asked him to think of nude babes or Baywatch -- that kind of thing -- and flow with it. Well, he thought the thought and had an erection. Major freak-out all around. Oh gawd, can't look! For the audience, it was supposed to be side-splitting funny.

This is how boys are taught to be averse to the male body, especially a male body in a sexually excited state. Through such role models, boys are taught to be heterosexual.

Not letting another man know that one gets aroused by his contact

2008-10-15T14:16:00.005+05:30

In the Case Study of Rahul and Rajeev mentioned below, even after the relationship between them grew much stronger, and Rahul came all the way from Jodhpur to Delhi to stay with Rajeev, and they had sex almost every night, Rahul went to great extent not to let Rajeev see that Rahul gets an erection by being through even social or casual contact with Rajeev. He only allowed that when they were having sex, and during the sex too Rahul was always extremely guarded and never initiated anything and would always keep a straight face, as if he was not really enjoying anything.

On his second visit to Delhi, both went out of station for a trip. On the train, at morning time, when both were sitting on the berth, Rajeev, feeling very intimate with Rahul, decided to lie down on the empty berth, and place his head on his lap. Rahul immediately panicked and almost pushed his head away from his crotch, asking him to take the bag and use it as a pillow. Rajeev was extremely cross with Rahul about this, and this unacknowledged fight ruined their trip, and they came back without proceeding further.

Rahul continued to avoid touching his crotch area with Rajeev, or generally being too close to him except when they were having sex. But once or twice as they became more and more intimate, Rajeev, touched his penis on one pretext or the other, and both the times it immediately started swelling. On two more such occasions they ended up having sex (which for them meant mutual masturbation).

However, inspite of all this, Rahul became too insecure about being involved with a guy, and when he went back to Jodhpur, he broke the relationship. He even denied ever having any sexual interest in Rajeev or any other man, for that matter.

The stress of displaying extreme sexual interest in girls at a young age

2008-10-15T13:44:00.001+05:30

Ravi is 16 years old. He is quite happy with his friends and not only does he not feel any need to seek girls as even friends, leave alone sexual friends, he hates the idea. He is quite innocent about sexual matters but in his all boys school, he hasn't faced the pressures of manhood, since he keeps himself only to his few best friends.
After finishing his 12th he goes out into the big bad world -- the college -- for the first time and faces immense pressure to prove his sexual interest in girls. He makes a new friend who tells him things like, "are you a man -- you don't seem to be interested in girls?"
This affects the young psyche of Ravi -- who is now 17 -- immensely and he starts working hard to develop a sexual interest in girls. He starts by watching girls all the time, when he goes out with his best friend every evening to the market. It's a big stress for him, and he hates doing it, but there is no way out. He is still cut to the core at the remark that questioned his very being a man for not showing an active interest in girls.
Now, Ravi has started doing this -- watching girls -- everywhere and everytime. In fact he overdoes it. Once his cousing and aunt were visiting him. His neighbourhood girl came into their house, and in front of them, he leched at her -- as it had become quite a habit for him by this time, and his young mind was unable to determine that it will leave a bad impression on his relatives.
Ravi not only watches girls all the time, he also tries to consciously think about them -- especially in a sexual way, so that he can develop a sexual interest in them, which is almost lacking at this point of time. Ravi is quite panicky about not having an enormous sexual interest in girls like his friend.
So much so, that when he gets desparate about developing this interest and it doesn't work he thinks about committing suicide.
Today, it has become such a habit for him that wherever he sees a girl, he gazes at her lecherously, without thinking... whether the girl is sexually appealing or not. But known only to Ravi, none of them really interest him. He'd rather play cricket and have all the other fun with his male friends.

Avoiding intimate contact with lover to avoid getting an erection

2008-10-15T11:27:00.009+05:30

Rahul met Rajeev when the latter came to attend his cousin's wedding in Jodhpur, a beautiful town in Rajasthan. Both were boys spilling with virility.
They immediately knew, they were attracted to each other, and when Rajeev made advances to Rahul, he couldn't resist himself.
They started to touch each other often, but when he tried to lean on his crotch, making it seem casual, as boys in India often do, Rahul quickly moved away. He did it in a panicky kind of way making it very obvious. Rajeev knew that Rahul is extremely attracted to him, and that he had moved away to avoid an erection.
In the night they slept together and Rajeev masturbated Rahul in the dead of the dark night. While Rahul allowed Rajeev to do this, he did not utter a word, and pretend as if nothing was happening.
But even after this incident of masturbation, when Rajeev made another visit to Jodhpur to see Rahul, and they went on a motorcycle to visit a temple, along with two more boys (they all sat on the same bike), and Rajeev was driving the motorcycle, he expected Rahul to sit behind him, but he was shocked when Rahul did not sit behind him, but asked another boy to do so and he sat behind the other boy.
Rajeev and Rahul had become extremely possessive about each other's bodies from day one, as is common in such relations between straight men in India, and were extremely jealous about anyone else touching each other intimately (even putting arms across each other) and to see someone feel up another's crotch and that too continuously for such a long journey was extremely excruciating for Rahul.
It was clear, that Rahul had done this because he knew he would get an erection if he sat behind Rajeev.
To take revenge, Rajeev let Rahul drive the mobike this time and now sat behind another boy. Now, it was Rahul's time to get jealous. In fact, he was so jealous that when getting off, he quickly turned to see Rajeev's crotch and how it was touching the other guy... and he did it in a very obvious way.
Rahul did not want Rajeev to know that he gets an erection with him, even when they had sex (masturbation) already, and they were now in an unacknowledged relationship as Rajeev had come all the way from Delhi to see him.

2008-10-01T21:21:00.004+05:30

Ashutosh had kept away from girls all through his school and college days. He was a masculine, straight male, and like many normal straight men, no sexual need for girls at all... in fact, he hated the idea.

It was for this reason that he kept away from boys groups, because they put immense pressure on him to prove his sexual interest in girls.

But, he knew he had to get married one day, and although he dreaded the day, he knew somehow he will just have to do it.

A straight guy in his neighbourhood refused to get married, and he knew that he was interested in men too. He liked the guy very much, so one day he flirted with him in typical straight fashion -- touching his crotch several times, but still making it sound casual. After that the other guy wanted to take it up further but Ashutosh became scared/ filled with phobia, and withdrew. But later made advances again, then withdrew again... this went on for two years, and by the time Ashutosh could gather up some courage to advance his relationship with the guy, the other guy became quite irritated with him, and inspite of him making several attempts just rejected him.

Now Ashutosh got a highly paying job, and he was 25. But, he did not get a girl friend or get married. By the time he became 27, his parents and relatives started to ask him to get married.

He tried to avoid getting married for two years by rejecting the offers that came to his parents, always finding some fault with the girl.

He hated it when the parents of girls approached his parents for marriage. He didn't want to face them. Once, a girl in another city wanted to talk to him on the webcam, but he feigned that his webcam was not working. His mother sought the help of the neighbourhood guy, who was once interested in him, and he willingly obliged and tolk Ashutosh he could come to his computer to chat with the girl.

Ashutosh got very pissed with this, and in order to get back at him, he loaded a programme on his computer which brought out all the pictures of naked men having sex that were loaded on the other guy's computer, in front of his brother.

Ashutosh avoided marriage for two-three years, but eventually, one day, he gave up... that too for a very plain looking girl.

He prepared himself to face up to the marriage and the aftermath... And, when he managed to do the needful in bed, he was so happy and proud, that it did't matter to him at all, how he hated to be with the girl. For him, what was important was that he did it, and the girl didn't suspect his lack of interest.

In fact, he was so extremely happy at this that he felt at the top of the world. Like he couldn't have asked for anhthing more with life. He started to sing the tarzan theme at the top of his voice -- especially for the benefit of his next door neighbour -- that he has 'conquered the world'.

He went for honeymoon with the girl and pretended to be very cozy with her, especially when doing the shoots. Had it not been for the immense pressure that he felt to be with her, he would have hated to be even near the girl. With time, he got more and more used to it.

If you don't give in to the pressure you lose face amongst peers

2008-07-21T07:57:00.008+05:30

Ramesh is a timid boy studying in Class 10. There is a bully Sonu in his class who claims to have had sex with girls. Sonu keeps teasing Ramesh for no reason than that he is timid.

One day, in the presence of the others, he tells Ramesh that Ramesh will never be able to satisfy women, because to satisfy her he has to put her on 'heat'. Ramesh thinks that Sonu knows everything about sex, and believes what he says. He actually does not have a clue as to how to put a woman on 'heat'. He develops an inferiority complex. It affects his personality and self-confidence.

Not getting it up will bring social disgrace

2008-07-21T07:56:00.008+05:30

Another common saying is that if the man is unable to satisfy his wife, she will then go to other men for sex. This is a great disgrace for any man, as it is supposed to expose his lack of mardanigi.

You'd lose the battle of manhood if you don't get it up with wife

2008-07-21T07:54:00.005+05:30

Young men in traditional India are told that if a man fails to get it up in the first night (of marriage), he would lose the 'battle' and will become a Joru ka gulaam, i.e. he will be ruled by his wife for the rest of his life.

You're not a man if you can't satisfy a woman

2008-07-21T07:50:00.003+05:30

A Hindi magazine Saras Kathayein (a cheap sex magazine, masquerading as a serious magazine on sex), in its March 2004 issue quotes a woman in one of its stories (purported to be a real account): "Mother f***, you thought you were a man ..... you burst balloon, you cannot bear the heat of a woman's body ..... you want to play with fire ..... where is your masculinity ..... come on, show your manhood!" The man in this story has tried sexual intercourse with her twice and yet has not satisfied her (it turns out that she is a lesbian). In response to the woman, he only mutters, "Sorry!"

2008-07-21T07:47:00.000+05:30

trial

Being with a woman when nature wants him to be with a man

2008-07-21T07:43:00.002+05:30

Sonu is a virile, masculine boy who does not have much interest in girls. Most of his sexual needs are for a male partner. He does not want to get married to a girl. But society puts pressure on him. Even questions his manhood. He finally gives in.

One year into marriage, he hates to sleep with his wife. Now he feels so bad about it that he dreads returning home every evening from work, but he has to perform his duty. Everybody else thinks he is a very happy man. In fact he is seen as the "ideal" man.

Forcing oneself to have sex with girls

2008-07-21T07:38:00.003+05:30

Ravi is a handsome 21-year-old young man working in an office in Delhi. He has a problem that often, when having sex, he does not get a proper erection. When counselled, he reported that he does not always like the girls that he has sex with. Sometimes he even feels nauseated having to sleep with them.

When asked why he has sex with girls whom he does not like, he says that the girls themselves approach him, and he cannot say no to them, lest they call him chakka (a eunuch/ hijra/member of the third sex). He has accepted his fate of having to have sex with people he can't stand. But such is the irony of male sexual roles that he himself takes the 'blame' for his predicament.

Women have enormous social space to sexually abuse adolescents

2008-07-21T07:32:00.008+05:30

15 years old Sailendra is in Class 10. He used to go to get tuitions from a 'Didi' living in the neighbourhood. While tutoring him, she started making physical advances. He did not have the option to say no, especially as an adolescent when the pressures to prove he is a man are most severe. He lost his virginity to her, but he hated doing so.

Pressure to get an erection in a medical exam

2008-07-21T07:32:00.007+05:30

18 years old Mukesh is also dealing with the pressure to get an erection whenever in physical contact with a girl. He is scared stiff of what will happen if he is caught with not having an erection if ever forced in a situation where he is physically close to a girl.

He has to visit the government hospital for something, and he is referred to a female doctor. He doesn't want to see a female doctor, but has no option. A woman can refuse to see a male doctor, but a male may not say so. In fact, he was not sure that the doctor will need to touch him at all and he hated seeing a female doctor even without the pressure to get an erection.

The lady doctor, who is quite attractive, makes him lie on a stretcher and asks him to pull up his shirt and loosen his trousers zip.

Mukesh is exttremely tense in this situation. All he can think about is that now he won't get an erection and he will be caught. They'll think he's 'gay' or a 'namard'. The tension is writ all over his face.

The lady doctor touches his abdomen all over, and he lies there extremely stressed, she also pushes down his underwear a bit (though not stripping him) to feel his abdomen. Now, Mukesh is sure that he has been caught and the doctor must now think that he is abnormal, a queer. The lady doctor speaks with him rudely and he is sure that it is because she has found out.

Mukesh feels so awful that he can barely stop himself from jumping before a bus.

His medical report talks of ova cysts, and his limited knowledge of science tells him that ova is found only in girls. He is now sure that he is abnormal and has some cells of girls that makes him not get an erection like everybody says boys should get in such situations.

2008-07-21T07:21:00.001+05:30

trial

The pressure to get an erection with girls

2008-07-21T07:04:00.002+05:30

The pressure created in the boys group in our society to force men to work on their sexual interest for girls and to pretend it all the time includes the misconception that 'real' men get an erection as soon as they come in intimate contact with a woman, or see their 'sexy' photographs and in any case when they are naked with them. This is how men, especially young men and boys react to it:

Tarun is 18 years old and in first year. His friend in college keeps talking about girls all the time and Tarun is forced to do the same. It is not that Tarun doesn't have an interest in girls, but its not so prominent that he has to talk about it all the time. He is not even interested in a relationship with girls.

But Tarun is extremely worried about one thing. His friend keeps talking about getting an erection as soon as he sees pictures of naked girls. He mentioned how in school once when he was made the monitor for a day, he kept pushing girls by holding their hands to discipline them. He said this gave him an erection all day.

He just doesn't get that aroused that he should develop an erection like that. In fact, he is not even sure that when its time for him to 'prove' his manhood, if he will be able to develop an instant erection or not? And this worries him no end.

In public however, he too adds to the overall pressure that the society conditions boys to create, by claiming all the time that he develops an erection by seeing girls' pictures and on buses while being close to them.

But he is dead scared that if anyone should ever find out, he will be ruined. He is sure that he will commit suicide if this should ever happen. He is extremely scared of growing up and getting married, for then he will have to have sex with a girl, and then he will be 'caught'.

Prominently displaying sexual interest in women to hide sexual interest in men

2008-07-20T23:05:00.002+05:30

The need to prove one's constant and unending sexual interest in girls becomes even more desperate, when a man becomes emotionally and sexually involved with another man. Then he seeks to display this immense sexual interest -- even when it is not present at all or present only minimally -- to hide his sexual interest in his male lover, as well as to 'compensate' for his loss of sense of 'manhood' for doing something which is clearly outside the purview of what is considered 'manly' by the westernised/ heterosexualised society.

Sandy developed a relationship with Ranveer at whose house he used to visit to teach tuitions (to Ranveer's nephew). However, he eventhough they developed a very intimate relationship -- he even started living in with Ranveer -- he still denied having any sexual interest in men at all. Not only this, he started to do various things to 'show' how interested in women he actually is.

He would masturbate over naked pictures of girls -- of which he had collected thousands from the net. This would infuriate Ranveer and affect their relationship. However, Sandy would take hours to decide what picture to masturbate on. It also turned out as time passed by, that Sandy was not really turned on by those pictures of girls. He would open pictures of naked girls, then ask Ranveer to kiss him or to fondle him in order to get an erection. It became clear that Sandy was seeking to 'generate' a sexual interest in girls, by trying to divert it from where he got it naturally -- from his male lover -- into the pictures of girls. However, it doesn't seem to work.

That has not stopped Sandy to spend hours and hours on the net downloading pictures of naked girls and to seek to masturbate on them -- even when its been more than five years since they started living together -- almost, since Sandy spent most of his nights at Ranveer's house, instead of going to his home. The pressure to generate a sexual interest in women is so-so strong in the society, that young Sandy has been stressing his beautiful bond with his lover and himself going through a lot of stress to do the impossible.

However, since about two years ago, Ranveer had had a series of fight with Sandy on the issue, Sandy now doesn't do it in front of Ranveer. Ranveer asked him not to masturbate on girls pictures in his house.

But Ranveer still found evidence that Sandy was secretly masturbating on girls pics in magazines, inside the bathroom, when he goes to take a bath.

Sandy keeps telling Ranveer, that he has no sexual interest in men, but he only loves Ranveer because he loves him so, and because they have shared so much together. And that one day, he is going to go and find a girl.

However, he says, he just wants to have sex with a girl, he doesn't want to get married.

Wanting to have sex to gain social power

2008-07-20T23:03:00.002+05:30

Sunil, who is in Class 12, has made a girlfriend Reena. She wants emotional attachment with him. But Sunil only wants to have sex with her. Reena, however, does not feel like having sex at this point of time.

Sunil is desperate to make Reena agree to sleep with him. He knows that if he has sex with her, his position in his peer group and his self-image as a man will increase like never before. He tries to manipulate Reena by pretending that he loves her.

Sit next to a girl to prove you're a man

2008-07-20T23:01:00.001+05:30

Nicky returns home from school on a DTC bus along with his friends. His friends realise he is shy. Just to tease him, they challenge him to sit next to a girl they see daily. But there are other empty seats on the bus. Nicky refuses.

Now his friends start teasing him daily and call him chakka. Nicky wants his friends to stop treating him like that, but he does not know how to make them stop.

Proving you're a man -- by showing your interest in girls

2008-07-20T22:58:00.001+05:30

Every day, while going back home from school, Ajay's friends tease the girls going to school on the way. Their comments on the girls sometimes get rude and vulgar. Ajay does not like this. However, he does not dare stop his friends. One day, his friends confront him and ask him why he does not participate in teasing the girls. Ajay does not know how to deal with the situation. "Don't girls interest you?" one boy asks derisively. Actually, at this point in time, Ajay can very well do without girls, but he is 'ashamed' to admit the fact. "If you are a man you have got to enjoy these things," one of the boys says.

He hopes that his teasing will pass, but the boys again tease him the next day. They use abusive words like namard and chakka. Ajay feels insulted and is at a loss for words.

Things start becoming difficult for Ajay and he stops mixing with this group. However, they keep teasing him in the class, and other students soon join in. Now Ajay wishes he had just done what the boys had asked him to do.

Post Case Studies about the Pressure on men to exaggerate their sexual need for women

2008-01-10T00:20:00.001+05:30

You can Post Case Studies about the Pressure on men to exaggerate their sexual need for women, here.