Pressures to desire women and not men in medieval India

The following is a quote from an article in 'The Economist' on Babur the Islamic conqueror of India.

"At one party Babur saw a very suprising sight: a woman drinking. She made a pass at him. 'I got rid of her by pretending to be drunk.' Babur was not much interestedd in women. He explains that he had married early and neglected the girl. He uses that to introduce the subject of his passion for a boy called Baburi whom he sees in the bazaar. Until then he says he had 'no inclination for anybody and no knowlege of love or desire.' His passion for Baburi drives him to distraction. Shyness prevents him from approaching the boy. He quotes a persian couplet: I am ashamed when I see my friend. My companions look at me. I look the other way.'

Whether he got anywhere with Baburi is not clear."

Such cases of extreme mutilation of a man's humanity through heterosexualization pressures are not rare at all

Aaron sets a much brisker pace down the boardwalk than you would expect of a doughy 51-year-old, and once convinced I'll respect his anonymity, he turns out to be voluble. Over the crash of the waves, he spares no details as he describes how much he hated the fact that he was gay, how the last thing in the world he wanted to do was act on his desire to have sex with another man. "I'm going to be perfectly blatant about it," he says. "I'm not going to have anal intercourse or give or receive any BJs either, okay?" He managed to maintain his celibacy through college and into adulthood. But when, in the late 1980s, he found himself so "insanely jealous" of his roommate's girlfriend that he had to move out, he knew the time had come to do something. One of the few people who knew that Aaron was gay showed him an article in Newsweek about a group offering "reparative therapy"--psychological treatment for people who want to become "ex-gay."

"It turns out that I didn't have the faintest idea what love was," he says. That's not all he didn't know. He also didn't know that his same-sex attraction, far from being inborn and inescapable, was a thirst for the love that he had not received from his father, a cold and distant man prone to angry outbursts, coupled with a fear of women kindled by his intrusive and overbearing mother, all of which added up to a man who wanted to have sex with other men just so he could get some male attention. He didn't understand any of this, he tells me, until he found a reparative therapist whom he consulted by phone for nearly 10 years, attended weekend workshops, and learned how to "be a man."

Aaron interrupts himself to eye a woman in shorts jogging by. "Sometimes there are very good-looking women at this boardwalk," he says. "Especially when they're not bundled up." He remembers when he started noticing women's bodies, a few years into his therapy. "The first thing I noticed was their legs. The curve of their legs." He's dated women, had sex with them even, although "I was pretty awkward," he says. "It just didn't work." Aaron has a theory about this: "I never used my body in a sexual way. I think the men who actually act it out have a greater success in terms of being sexual with women than the men who didn't act it out." Not surprisingly, he's never had a long-term relationship, and he's pessimistic about his prospects. "I can't make that jump from having this attraction to doing something about it." But, he adds, it's wrong to think "if you don't make it with women, then you haven't changed." The important thing is that "now I like myself. I'm not emotionally shut down. I'm comfortable in my own body. I don't have to be drawn to men anymore. I'm content at this point to lead an asexual life, which is what I've done for most of my life anyway." He adds, "I'm a very detached person."

It's raining a little now. We stop walking so I can tuck the microphone under the flap of Aaron's shirt pocket, and I feel him recoil as I fiddle with his button. I'm remembering his little cubicle of an apartment, its unlived-in feel, and thinking that he may be the sort of guy who just doesn't like anyone getting too close, but it's also possible that therapy has taught him to submerge his desire so deep that he's lost his motive for intimacy.

Not letting another man know that one gets aroused by his contact

In the Case Study of Rahul and Rajeev mentioned below, even after the relationship between them grew much stronger, and Rahul came all the way from Jodhpur to Delhi to stay with Rajeev, and they had sex almost every night, Rahul went to great extent not to let Rajeev see that Rahul gets an erection by being through even social or casual contact with Rajeev. He only allowed that when they were having sex, and during the sex too Rahul was always extremely guarded and never initiated anything and would always keep a straight face, as if he was not really enjoying anything.

On his second visit to Delhi, both went out of station for a trip. On the train, at morning time, when both were sitting on the berth, Rajeev, feeling very intimate with Rahul, decided to lie down on the empty berth, and place his head on his lap. Rahul immediately panicked and almost pushed his head away from his crotch, asking him to take the bag and use it as a pillow. Rajeev was extremely cross with Rahul about this, and this unacknowledged fight ruined their trip, and they came back without proceeding further.

Rahul continued to avoid touching his crotch area with Rajeev, or generally being too close to him except when they were having sex. But once or twice as they became more and more intimate, Rajeev, touched his penis on one pretext or the other, and both the times it immediately started swelling. On two more such occasions they ended up having sex (which for them meant mutual masturbation).

However, inspite of all this, Rahul became too insecure about being involved with a guy, and when he went back to Jodhpur, he broke the relationship. He even denied ever having any sexual interest in Rajeev or any other man, for that matter.

Avoiding intimate contact with lover to avoid getting an erection

Rahul met Rajeev when the latter came to attend his cousin's wedding in Jodhpur, a beautiful town in Rajasthan. Both were boys spilling with virility.
They immediately knew, they were attracted to each other, and when Rajeev made advances to Rahul, he couldn't resist himself.
They started to touch each other often, but when he tried to lean on his crotch, making it seem casual, as boys in India often do, Rahul quickly moved away. He did it in a panicky kind of way making it very obvious. Rajeev knew that Rahul is extremely attracted to him, and that he had moved away to avoid an erection.
In the night they slept together and Rajeev masturbated Rahul in the dead of the dark night. While Rahul allowed Rajeev to do this, he did not utter a word, and pretend as if nothing was happening.
But even after this incident of masturbation, when Rajeev made another visit to Jodhpur to see Rahul, and they went on a motorcycle to visit a temple, along with two more boys (they all sat on the same bike), and Rajeev was driving the motorcycle, he expected Rahul to sit behind him, but he was shocked when Rahul did not sit behind him, but asked another boy to do so and he sat behind the other boy.
Rajeev and Rahul had become extremely possessive about each other's bodies from day one, as is common in such relations between straight men in India, and were extremely jealous about anyone else touching each other intimately (even putting arms across each other) and to see someone feel up another's crotch and that too continuously for such a long journey was extremely excruciating for Rahul.
It was clear, that Rahul had done this because he knew he would get an erection if he sat behind Rajeev.
To take revenge, Rajeev let Rahul drive the mobike this time and now sat behind another boy. Now, it was Rahul's time to get jealous. In fact, he was so jealous that when getting off, he quickly turned to see Rajeev's crotch and how it was touching the other guy... and he did it in a very obvious way.
Rahul did not want Rajeev to know that he gets an erection with him, even when they had sex (masturbation) already, and they were now in an unacknowledged relationship as Rajeev had come all the way from Delhi to see him.

Being with a woman when nature wants him to be with a man

Sonu is a virile, masculine boy who does not have much interest in girls. Most of his sexual needs are for a male partner. He does not want to get married to a girl. But society puts pressure on him. Even questions his manhood. He finally gives in.

One year into marriage, he hates to sleep with his wife. Now he feels so bad about it that he dreads returning home every evening from work, but he has to perform his duty. Everybody else thinks he is a very happy man. In fact he is seen as the "ideal" man.

Prominently displaying sexual interest in women to hide sexual interest in men

The need to prove one's constant and unending sexual interest in girls becomes even more desperate, when a man becomes emotionally and sexually involved with another man. Then he seeks to display this immense sexual interest -- even when it is not present at all or present only minimally -- to hide his sexual interest in his male lover, as well as to 'compensate' for his loss of sense of 'manhood' for doing something which is clearly outside the purview of what is considered 'manly' by the westernised/ heterosexualised society.

Sandy developed a relationship with Ranveer at whose house he used to visit to teach tuitions (to Ranveer's nephew). However, he eventhough they developed a very intimate relationship -- he even started living in with Ranveer -- he still denied having any sexual interest in men at all. Not only this, he started to do various things to 'show' how interested in women he actually is.

He would masturbate over naked pictures of girls -- of which he had collected thousands from the net. This would infuriate Ranveer and affect their relationship. However, Sandy would take hours to decide what picture to masturbate on. It also turned out as time passed by, that Sandy was not really turned on by those pictures of girls. He would open pictures of naked girls, then ask Ranveer to kiss him or to fondle him in order to get an erection. It became clear that Sandy was seeking to 'generate' a sexual interest in girls, by trying to divert it from where he got it naturally -- from his male lover -- into the pictures of girls. However, it doesn't seem to work.

That has not stopped Sandy to spend hours and hours on the net downloading pictures of naked girls and to seek to masturbate on them -- even when its been more than five years since they started living together -- almost, since Sandy spent most of his nights at Ranveer's house, instead of going to his home. The pressure to generate a sexual interest in women is so-so strong in the society, that young Sandy has been stressing his beautiful bond with his lover and himself going through a lot of stress to do the impossible.

However, since about two years ago, Ranveer had had a series of fight with Sandy on the issue, Sandy now doesn't do it in front of Ranveer. Ranveer asked him not to masturbate on girls pictures in his house.

But Ranveer still found evidence that Sandy was secretly masturbating on girls pics in magazines, inside the bathroom, when he goes to take a bath.

Sandy keeps telling Ranveer, that he has no sexual interest in men, but he only loves Ranveer because he loves him so, and because they have shared so much together. And that one day, he is going to go and find a girl.

However, he says, he just wants to have sex with a girl, he doesn't want to get married.