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Question - (30 November 2007) 7 Answers - (Newest, 26 May 2008)
A female age 36-40, anonymous writes:
What does it mean when you can be entirely naked in the shower, with your boyfriend talking to you (sat on the toilet) and he doesn't get an erection...
Any ideas? Does it mean he doesn't find you arousing? Does it mean he could be gay? Does it perhaps mean he is having an off day? Aren't men supposed to be governed by what is in their trousers? Aren't they meant to be visually stimulated?
Any advice much appreciated.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Q: New boyfriend unable to achieve erection
Asked by Isabella00 On Mar 07, 2011
I've been friends with this very nice guy for two years now, but recently I started to develop deeper feelings for him. A couple of weeks ago we kissed for the first time and some days ago we tried to have sex. And I say tried, because he couldn't get an erection. Well, it was sort of erect, but not very hard. And when he put the condom on he got limp. I'm just wondering what the reason might be. Does anyone have experience with this? And could give me some tips?It's just that I'm starting to feel insecure, because maybe it's because I'm not attractive enough to his high standards. He has never told me that he thinks I'm pretty or hot, but I think that's just the kind of guy he is (my previous bfs told me this all the time). Although, I do get a lot of attention from men and I don't consider myself to be unattractive. Might it be because he knows that I'm way more experienced than him? Some kind of insecurity on his part? I tried to talk to him about it, but he didn't really want to give me a reason (or perhaps he really hasn't got a clue himself).
I've been friends with this very nice guy for two years now, but recently I started to develop deeper feelings for him. A couple of weeks ago we kissed for the first time and some days ago we tried to have sex. And I say tried, because he couldn't get an erection. Well, it was sort of erect, but not very hard. And when he put the condom on he got limp. I'm just wondering what the reason might be. Does anyone have experience with this? And could give me some tips?It's just that I'm starting to feel insecure, because maybe it's because I'm not attractive enough to his high standards. He has never told me that he thinks I'm pretty or hot, but I think that's just the kind of guy he is (my previous bfs told me this all the time). Although, I do get a lot of attention from men and I don't consider myself to be unattractive. Might it be because he knows that I'm way more experienced than him? Some kind of insecurity on his part? I tried to talk to him about it, but he didn't really want to give me a reason (or perhaps he really hasn't got a clue himself).
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Pressures to desire women and not men in medieval India
The following is a quote from an article in 'The Economist' on Babur the Islamic conqueror of India.
"At one party Babur saw a very suprising sight: a woman drinking. She made a pass at him. 'I got rid of her by pretending to be drunk.' Babur was not much interestedd in women. He explains that he had married early and neglected the girl. He uses that to introduce the subject of his passion for a boy called Baburi whom he sees in the bazaar. Until then he says he had 'no inclination for anybody and no knowlege of love or desire.' His passion for Baburi drives him to distraction. Shyness prevents him from approaching the boy. He quotes a persian couplet: I am ashamed when I see my friend. My companions look at me. I look the other way.'
Whether he got anywhere with Baburi is not clear."
"At one party Babur saw a very suprising sight: a woman drinking. She made a pass at him. 'I got rid of her by pretending to be drunk.' Babur was not much interestedd in women. He explains that he had married early and neglected the girl. He uses that to introduce the subject of his passion for a boy called Baburi whom he sees in the bazaar. Until then he says he had 'no inclination for anybody and no knowlege of love or desire.' His passion for Baburi drives him to distraction. Shyness prevents him from approaching the boy. He quotes a persian couplet: I am ashamed when I see my friend. My companions look at me. I look the other way.'
Whether he got anywhere with Baburi is not clear."
Monday, June 22, 2009
Such cases of extreme mutilation of a man's humanity through heterosexualization pressures are not rare at all
Aaron sets a much brisker pace down the boardwalk than you would expect of a doughy 51-year-old, and once convinced I'll respect his anonymity, he turns out to be voluble. Over the crash of the waves, he spares no details as he describes how much he hated the fact that he was gay, how the last thing in the world he wanted to do was act on his desire to have sex with another man. "I'm going to be perfectly blatant about it," he says. "I'm not going to have anal intercourse or give or receive any BJs either, okay?" He managed to maintain his celibacy through college and into adulthood. But when, in the late 1980s, he found himself so "insanely jealous" of his roommate's girlfriend that he had to move out, he knew the time had come to do something. One of the few people who knew that Aaron was gay showed him an article in Newsweek about a group offering "reparative therapy"--psychological treatment for people who want to become "ex-gay."
"It turns out that I didn't have the faintest idea what love was," he says. That's not all he didn't know. He also didn't know that his same-sex attraction, far from being inborn and inescapable, was a thirst for the love that he had not received from his father, a cold and distant man prone to angry outbursts, coupled with a fear of women kindled by his intrusive and overbearing mother, all of which added up to a man who wanted to have sex with other men just so he could get some male attention. He didn't understand any of this, he tells me, until he found a reparative therapist whom he consulted by phone for nearly 10 years, attended weekend workshops, and learned how to "be a man."
Aaron interrupts himself to eye a woman in shorts jogging by. "Sometimes there are very good-looking women at this boardwalk," he says. "Especially when they're not bundled up." He remembers when he started noticing women's bodies, a few years into his therapy. "The first thing I noticed was their legs. The curve of their legs." He's dated women, had sex with them even, although "I was pretty awkward," he says. "It just didn't work." Aaron has a theory about this: "I never used my body in a sexual way. I think the men who actually act it out have a greater success in terms of being sexual with women than the men who didn't act it out." Not surprisingly, he's never had a long-term relationship, and he's pessimistic about his prospects. "I can't make that jump from having this attraction to doing something about it." But, he adds, it's wrong to think "if you don't make it with women, then you haven't changed." The important thing is that "now I like myself. I'm not emotionally shut down. I'm comfortable in my own body. I don't have to be drawn to men anymore. I'm content at this point to lead an asexual life, which is what I've done for most of my life anyway." He adds, "I'm a very detached person."
It's raining a little now. We stop walking so I can tuck the microphone under the flap of Aaron's shirt pocket, and I feel him recoil as I fiddle with his button. I'm remembering his little cubicle of an apartment, its unlived-in feel, and thinking that he may be the sort of guy who just doesn't like anyone getting too close, but it's also possible that therapy has taught him to submerge his desire so deep that he's lost his motive for intimacy.
"It turns out that I didn't have the faintest idea what love was," he says. That's not all he didn't know. He also didn't know that his same-sex attraction, far from being inborn and inescapable, was a thirst for the love that he had not received from his father, a cold and distant man prone to angry outbursts, coupled with a fear of women kindled by his intrusive and overbearing mother, all of which added up to a man who wanted to have sex with other men just so he could get some male attention. He didn't understand any of this, he tells me, until he found a reparative therapist whom he consulted by phone for nearly 10 years, attended weekend workshops, and learned how to "be a man."
Aaron interrupts himself to eye a woman in shorts jogging by. "Sometimes there are very good-looking women at this boardwalk," he says. "Especially when they're not bundled up." He remembers when he started noticing women's bodies, a few years into his therapy. "The first thing I noticed was their legs. The curve of their legs." He's dated women, had sex with them even, although "I was pretty awkward," he says. "It just didn't work." Aaron has a theory about this: "I never used my body in a sexual way. I think the men who actually act it out have a greater success in terms of being sexual with women than the men who didn't act it out." Not surprisingly, he's never had a long-term relationship, and he's pessimistic about his prospects. "I can't make that jump from having this attraction to doing something about it." But, he adds, it's wrong to think "if you don't make it with women, then you haven't changed." The important thing is that "now I like myself. I'm not emotionally shut down. I'm comfortable in my own body. I don't have to be drawn to men anymore. I'm content at this point to lead an asexual life, which is what I've done for most of my life anyway." He adds, "I'm a very detached person."
It's raining a little now. We stop walking so I can tuck the microphone under the flap of Aaron's shirt pocket, and I feel him recoil as I fiddle with his button. I'm remembering his little cubicle of an apartment, its unlived-in feel, and thinking that he may be the sort of guy who just doesn't like anyone getting too close, but it's also possible that therapy has taught him to submerge his desire so deep that he's lost his motive for intimacy.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Where straight men come from
This essay germinated when I caught a few minutes of a sitcom on television a few weeks ago. I don't even know the title of it; I didn't sit till the end. Anyway, the scene was one in which an advertising man, what is called a 'creative director', hired a photo-shoot crew, to take some sexy pictures (for a brochure, I think). The cameraman and his assistant simply assumed "sexy" meant they'd have a female model. They got all excited about doing the shoot. When the model arrived at the location, and he was clearly a he, the camera crew freaked out, and refused to carry out the assignment. No way, man, we're not doing it. Money's not the issue. This is too far out.
Canned laughter in the soundtrack. It was all supposed to be very funny.
To keep the story going, the creative director persuaded the crew to stay and be professional about it. OK, they agreed, turned around and set up their lights and equipment. Then the model stripped, completely, and the crew freaked out and packed up again. More laughter.
Once again, the director of the shoot had to appeal to their professional integrity to carry on.
A few shots into the sequence, they felt the pictures weren't coming out right. The model was not posing seductively enough. So they asked him to think of nude babes or Baywatch -- that kind of thing -- and flow with it. Well, he thought the thought and had an erection. Major freak-out all around. Oh gawd, can't look! For the audience, it was supposed to be side-splitting funny.
This is how boys are taught to be averse to the male body, especially a male body in a sexually excited state. Through such role models, boys are taught to be heterosexual.
© Yawning Bread
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Not letting another man know that one gets aroused by his contact
In the Case Study of Rahul and Rajeev mentioned below, even after the relationship between them grew much stronger, and Rahul came all the way from Jodhpur to Delhi to stay with Rajeev, and they had sex almost every night, Rahul went to great extent not to let Rajeev see that Rahul gets an erection by being through even social or casual contact with Rajeev. He only allowed that when they were having sex, and during the sex too Rahul was always extremely guarded and never initiated anything and would always keep a straight face, as if he was not really enjoying anything.
On his second visit to Delhi, both went out of station for a trip. On the train, at morning time, when both were sitting on the berth, Rajeev, feeling very intimate with Rahul, decided to lie down on the empty berth, and place his head on his lap. Rahul immediately panicked and almost pushed his head away from his crotch, asking him to take the bag and use it as a pillow. Rajeev was extremely cross with Rahul about this, and this unacknowledged fight ruined their trip, and they came back without proceeding further.
Rahul continued to avoid touching his crotch area with Rajeev, or generally being too close to him except when they were having sex. But once or twice as they became more and more intimate, Rajeev, touched his penis on one pretext or the other, and both the times it immediately started swelling. On two more such occasions they ended up having sex (which for them meant mutual masturbation).
However, inspite of all this, Rahul became too insecure about being involved with a guy, and when he went back to Jodhpur, he broke the relationship. He even denied ever having any sexual interest in Rajeev or any other man, for that matter.
On his second visit to Delhi, both went out of station for a trip. On the train, at morning time, when both were sitting on the berth, Rajeev, feeling very intimate with Rahul, decided to lie down on the empty berth, and place his head on his lap. Rahul immediately panicked and almost pushed his head away from his crotch, asking him to take the bag and use it as a pillow. Rajeev was extremely cross with Rahul about this, and this unacknowledged fight ruined their trip, and they came back without proceeding further.
Rahul continued to avoid touching his crotch area with Rajeev, or generally being too close to him except when they were having sex. But once or twice as they became more and more intimate, Rajeev, touched his penis on one pretext or the other, and both the times it immediately started swelling. On two more such occasions they ended up having sex (which for them meant mutual masturbation).
However, inspite of all this, Rahul became too insecure about being involved with a guy, and when he went back to Jodhpur, he broke the relationship. He even denied ever having any sexual interest in Rajeev or any other man, for that matter.
The stress of displaying extreme sexual interest in girls at a young age
Ravi is 16 years old. He is quite happy with his friends and not only does he not feel any need to seek girls as even friends, leave alone sexual friends, he hates the idea. He is quite innocent about sexual matters but in his all boys school, he hasn't faced the pressures of manhood, since he keeps himself only to his few best friends.
After finishing his 12th he goes out into the big bad world -- the college -- for the first time and faces immense pressure to prove his sexual interest in girls. He makes a new friend who tells him things like, "are you a man -- you don't seem to be interested in girls?"
This affects the young psyche of Ravi -- who is now 17 -- immensely and he starts working hard to develop a sexual interest in girls. He starts by watching girls all the time, when he goes out with his best friend every evening to the market. It's a big stress for him, and he hates doing it, but there is no way out. He is still cut to the core at the remark that questioned his very being a man for not showing an active interest in girls.
Now, Ravi has started doing this -- watching girls -- everywhere and everytime. In fact he overdoes it. Once his cousing and aunt were visiting him. His neighbourhood girl came into their house, and in front of them, he leched at her -- as it had become quite a habit for him by this time, and his young mind was unable to determine that it will leave a bad impression on his relatives.
Ravi not only watches girls all the time, he also tries to consciously think about them -- especially in a sexual way, so that he can develop a sexual interest in them, which is almost lacking at this point of time. Ravi is quite panicky about not having an enormous sexual interest in girls like his friend.
So much so, that when he gets desparate about developing this interest and it doesn't work he thinks about committing suicide.
Today, it has become such a habit for him that wherever he sees a girl, he gazes at her lecherously, without thinking... whether the girl is sexually appealing or not. But known only to Ravi, none of them really interest him. He'd rather play cricket and have all the other fun with his male friends.
After finishing his 12th he goes out into the big bad world -- the college -- for the first time and faces immense pressure to prove his sexual interest in girls. He makes a new friend who tells him things like, "are you a man -- you don't seem to be interested in girls?"
This affects the young psyche of Ravi -- who is now 17 -- immensely and he starts working hard to develop a sexual interest in girls. He starts by watching girls all the time, when he goes out with his best friend every evening to the market. It's a big stress for him, and he hates doing it, but there is no way out. He is still cut to the core at the remark that questioned his very being a man for not showing an active interest in girls.
Now, Ravi has started doing this -- watching girls -- everywhere and everytime. In fact he overdoes it. Once his cousing and aunt were visiting him. His neighbourhood girl came into their house, and in front of them, he leched at her -- as it had become quite a habit for him by this time, and his young mind was unable to determine that it will leave a bad impression on his relatives.
Ravi not only watches girls all the time, he also tries to consciously think about them -- especially in a sexual way, so that he can develop a sexual interest in them, which is almost lacking at this point of time. Ravi is quite panicky about not having an enormous sexual interest in girls like his friend.
So much so, that when he gets desparate about developing this interest and it doesn't work he thinks about committing suicide.
Today, it has become such a habit for him that wherever he sees a girl, he gazes at her lecherously, without thinking... whether the girl is sexually appealing or not. But known only to Ravi, none of them really interest him. He'd rather play cricket and have all the other fun with his male friends.
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