If you don't give in to the pressure you lose face amongst peers

Ramesh is a timid boy studying in Class 10. There is a bully Sonu in his class who claims to have had sex with girls. Sonu keeps teasing Ramesh for no reason than that he is timid.

One day, in the presence of the others, he tells Ramesh that Ramesh will never be able to satisfy women, because to satisfy her he has to put her on 'heat'. Ramesh thinks that Sonu knows everything about sex, and believes what he says. He actually does not have a clue as to how to put a woman on 'heat'. He develops an inferiority complex. It affects his personality and self-confidence.

Not getting it up will bring social disgrace

Another common saying is that if the man is unable to satisfy his wife, she will then go to other men for sex. This is a great disgrace for any man, as it is supposed to expose his lack of mardanigi.

You'd lose the battle of manhood if you don't get it up with wife

Young men in traditional India are told that if a man fails to get it up in the first night (of marriage), he would lose the 'battle' and will become a Joru ka gulaam, i.e. he will be ruled by his wife for the rest of his life.

You're not a man if you can't satisfy a woman

A Hindi magazine Saras Kathayein (a cheap sex magazine, masquerading as a serious magazine on sex), in its March 2004 issue quotes a woman in one of its stories (purported to be a real account): "Mother f***, you thought you were a man ..... you burst balloon, you cannot bear the heat of a woman's body ..... you want to play with fire ..... where is your masculinity ..... come on, show your manhood!" The man in this story has tried sexual intercourse with her twice and yet has not satisfied her (it turns out that she is a lesbian). In response to the woman, he only mutters, "Sorry!"

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Being with a woman when nature wants him to be with a man

Sonu is a virile, masculine boy who does not have much interest in girls. Most of his sexual needs are for a male partner. He does not want to get married to a girl. But society puts pressure on him. Even questions his manhood. He finally gives in.

One year into marriage, he hates to sleep with his wife. Now he feels so bad about it that he dreads returning home every evening from work, but he has to perform his duty. Everybody else thinks he is a very happy man. In fact he is seen as the "ideal" man.

Forcing oneself to have sex with girls

Ravi is a handsome 21-year-old young man working in an office in Delhi. He has a problem that often, when having sex, he does not get a proper erection. When counselled, he reported that he does not always like the girls that he has sex with. Sometimes he even feels nauseated having to sleep with them.

When asked why he has sex with girls whom he does not like, he says that the girls themselves approach him, and he cannot say no to them, lest they call him chakka (a eunuch/ hijra/member of the third sex). He has accepted his fate of having to have sex with people he can't stand. But such is the irony of male sexual roles that he himself takes the 'blame' for his predicament.

Women have enormous social space to sexually abuse adolescents

15 years old Sailendra is in Class 10. He used to go to get tuitions from a 'Didi' living in the neighbourhood. While tutoring him, she started making physical advances. He did not have the option to say no, especially as an adolescent when the pressures to prove he is a man are most severe. He lost his virginity to her, but he hated doing so.

Pressure to get an erection in a medical exam

18 years old Mukesh is also dealing with the pressure to get an erection whenever in physical contact with a girl. He is scared stiff of what will happen if he is caught with not having an erection if ever forced in a situation where he is physically close to a girl.

He has to visit the government hospital for something, and he is referred to a female doctor. He doesn't want to see a female doctor, but has no option. A woman can refuse to see a male doctor, but a male may not say so. In fact, he was not sure that the doctor will need to touch him at all and he hated seeing a female doctor even without the pressure to get an erection.

The lady doctor, who is quite attractive, makes him lie on a stretcher and asks him to pull up his shirt and loosen his trousers zip.

Mukesh is exttremely tense in this situation. All he can think about is that now he won't get an erection and he will be caught. They'll think he's 'gay' or a 'namard'. The tension is writ all over his face.

The lady doctor touches his abdomen all over, and he lies there extremely stressed, she also pushes down his underwear a bit (though not stripping him) to feel his abdomen. Now, Mukesh is sure that he has been caught and the doctor must now think that he is abnormal, a queer. The lady doctor speaks with him rudely and he is sure that it is because she has found out.

Mukesh feels so awful that he can barely stop himself from jumping before a bus.

His medical report talks of ova cysts, and his limited knowledge of science tells him that ova is found only in girls. He is now sure that he is abnormal and has some cells of girls that makes him not get an erection like everybody says boys should get in such situations.

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The pressure to get an erection with girls

The pressure created in the boys group in our society to force men to work on their sexual interest for girls and to pretend it all the time includes the misconception that 'real' men get an erection as soon as they come in intimate contact with a woman, or see their 'sexy' photographs and in any case when they are naked with them. This is how men, especially young men and boys react to it:

Tarun is 18 years old and in first year. His friend in college keeps talking about girls all the time and Tarun is forced to do the same. It is not that Tarun doesn't have an interest in girls, but its not so prominent that he has to talk about it all the time. He is not even interested in a relationship with girls.

But Tarun is extremely worried about one thing. His friend keeps talking about getting an erection as soon as he sees pictures of naked girls. He mentioned how in school once when he was made the monitor for a day, he kept pushing girls by holding their hands to discipline them. He said this gave him an erection all day.

He just doesn't get that aroused that he should develop an erection like that. In fact, he is not even sure that when its time for him to 'prove' his manhood, if he will be able to develop an instant erection or not? And this worries him no end.

In public however, he too adds to the overall pressure that the society conditions boys to create, by claiming all the time that he develops an erection by seeing girls' pictures and on buses while being close to them.

But he is dead scared that if anyone should ever find out, he will be ruined. He is sure that he will commit suicide if this should ever happen. He is extremely scared of growing up and getting married, for then he will have to have sex with a girl, and then he will be 'caught'.

Prominently displaying sexual interest in women to hide sexual interest in men

The need to prove one's constant and unending sexual interest in girls becomes even more desperate, when a man becomes emotionally and sexually involved with another man. Then he seeks to display this immense sexual interest -- even when it is not present at all or present only minimally -- to hide his sexual interest in his male lover, as well as to 'compensate' for his loss of sense of 'manhood' for doing something which is clearly outside the purview of what is considered 'manly' by the westernised/ heterosexualised society.

Sandy developed a relationship with Ranveer at whose house he used to visit to teach tuitions (to Ranveer's nephew). However, he eventhough they developed a very intimate relationship -- he even started living in with Ranveer -- he still denied having any sexual interest in men at all. Not only this, he started to do various things to 'show' how interested in women he actually is.

He would masturbate over naked pictures of girls -- of which he had collected thousands from the net. This would infuriate Ranveer and affect their relationship. However, Sandy would take hours to decide what picture to masturbate on. It also turned out as time passed by, that Sandy was not really turned on by those pictures of girls. He would open pictures of naked girls, then ask Ranveer to kiss him or to fondle him in order to get an erection. It became clear that Sandy was seeking to 'generate' a sexual interest in girls, by trying to divert it from where he got it naturally -- from his male lover -- into the pictures of girls. However, it doesn't seem to work.

That has not stopped Sandy to spend hours and hours on the net downloading pictures of naked girls and to seek to masturbate on them -- even when its been more than five years since they started living together -- almost, since Sandy spent most of his nights at Ranveer's house, instead of going to his home. The pressure to generate a sexual interest in women is so-so strong in the society, that young Sandy has been stressing his beautiful bond with his lover and himself going through a lot of stress to do the impossible.

However, since about two years ago, Ranveer had had a series of fight with Sandy on the issue, Sandy now doesn't do it in front of Ranveer. Ranveer asked him not to masturbate on girls pictures in his house.

But Ranveer still found evidence that Sandy was secretly masturbating on girls pics in magazines, inside the bathroom, when he goes to take a bath.

Sandy keeps telling Ranveer, that he has no sexual interest in men, but he only loves Ranveer because he loves him so, and because they have shared so much together. And that one day, he is going to go and find a girl.

However, he says, he just wants to have sex with a girl, he doesn't want to get married.

Wanting to have sex to gain social power

Sunil, who is in Class 12, has made a girlfriend Reena. She wants emotional attachment with him. But Sunil only wants to have sex with her. Reena, however, does not feel like having sex at this point of time.

Sunil is desperate to make Reena agree to sleep with him. He knows that if he has sex with her, his position in his peer group and his self-image as a man will increase like never before. He tries to manipulate Reena by pretending that he loves her.

Sit next to a girl to prove you're a man

Nicky returns home from school on a DTC bus along with his friends. His friends realise he is shy. Just to tease him, they challenge him to sit next to a girl they see daily. But there are other empty seats on the bus. Nicky refuses.

Now his friends start teasing him daily and call him chakka. Nicky wants his friends to stop treating him like that, but he does not know how to make them stop.

Proving you're a man -- by showing your interest in girls

Every day, while going back home from school, Ajay's friends tease the girls going to school on the way. Their comments on the girls sometimes get rude and vulgar. Ajay does not like this. However, he does not dare stop his friends. One day, his friends confront him and ask him why he does not participate in teasing the girls. Ajay does not know how to deal with the situation. "Don't girls interest you?" one boy asks derisively. Actually, at this point in time, Ajay can very well do without girls, but he is 'ashamed' to admit the fact. "If you are a man you have got to enjoy these things," one of the boys says.

He hopes that his teasing will pass, but the boys again tease him the next day. They use abusive words like namard and chakka. Ajay feels insulted and is at a loss for words.

Things start becoming difficult for Ajay and he stops mixing with this group. However, they keep teasing him in the class, and other students soon join in. Now Ajay wishes he had just done what the boys had asked him to do.